It hurts just the same. The feeling of your lungs being filled with water until you are gasping for breath and struggling for air as you’re drowned in sadness. Suddenly your body can take no more and the dams break behind your eyes, unleashing the flooding water down your cheeks and they dance across your nose and along your neck. All the while accompanied by the feeling of your heart being shattered into a millions pieces. A shatter that you know, no matter how long you spend putting the puzzle pieces back together, will never fully be fixed. You see no matter how many times this happens, it hurts just the same.
Sometimes I get hit with overwhelming waves of loving you. Waves that fill my lungs with fresh air rather than water, clearing my mind in it’s wake and strengthening my heart as it beats double time at the mere sound of your voice. Pulsing life through my veins as your lips graze mine and I realize, that this is what it must feel like to be alive.
I promise to care for you when you’re sick and when you’re not. To lean over your body and place a kiss on your forehead when you’re stressed and to always overuse I love you. I promise to mean it. I promise to hold your hand in mine whenever time allows because lord knows the simple gesture makes the world stop spinning. I promise to plant seeds across your skin in the form of kisses and nips and the touch of burning fingertips, coming to life as we grow. My touch etching our story like words on pages in the creases of your body and the softness of your skin. I promise to rid the whole world of hate just to eliminate the darkness overhead and make you smile. Well, that one may be a bit far fetched but I promise to shower you with so much love that the hate rolls off like beads of rain hitting our windshield as we drive in silence. The kind of silence that says everything. I promise to carry you up the bean stock until there’s nowhere left to go but the night sky, as you take your rightful place amongst the constellations like the star that you are. My own piece of heaven shinning bright for all to see but for me to keep. I promise not to take that for granted because lord knows how lucky I am. Truly. I promise to love you like my life depends on it. Like you are holding me afloat amongst the thrashing tides of change, life, and love. And let’s face it, maybe you are.
I want the sound of your laugh, a good massage, and a soft pretzel. Maybe even a kiss or two if I get greedy. I want to celebrate with good company and good food and good spirits. I want Christmas music. Lots of Christmas music. I want to try a new recipe and bake something from scratch and get messy and fail and try again and fail again, but fail better. I want to get my hair done and put on a new outfit and make myself look as good as I feel. I want you to lean your body against mine and kiss my hand as I wrap my arms around you. I want my hand on your lower back as I introduce you to my family and friends and strangers and anyone and everyone within earshot because they deserve to know the source of this happiness. I want a high five and a long hug and an “I love you” and everything that I’m fortunate enough to experience every single day. I want time to freeze and fast forward all at once, leaving me in a mess of happiness and excitement and nervousness. I want it all, now and tomorrow and the days after. I want it all.
In honor of thanksgiving here is a list of 10 things that I am extremely thankful for as of late:
- My 10 canada-wide calling allowing me to talk to my best friend whenever I please
- The Hamilton public transit system that saves me from walking to school everyday
- The view of the sunset over the mountains from my bedroom window
- A fully functioning car that takes me home
- The way my dog is always happy to see me when I come home
- The entire Babel album by Mumford & Sons
- My family. You’re always there to love and support me no matter what. You ask me how my day was, and challenge me in games of Euchre, Clue, Crokinole, and Trivial Pursuit. You watch Glee and Grey’s with me even though I know you guys have no idea what’s going on. You stay up and wait for me to get home and you never fail to say goodnight. I owe you everything. Thank you.
- Second cup hot chocolate
- The colours of the leaves and the eyes that let me see them
- You. My constant source of happiness, kisses, cuddles, teasing, hugs, heart to hearts, laughs, and phone calls. It feels good being able to call you mine.
10 things that are making me terribly happy as of late:
- canoe trips on a calm lake
- big hugs and lots of cuddling
- barbecuing anything and everything
- road trips down country roads
- good playlists
- good friends
- good food
- navigating with real maps
- tim hortons gift cards
- giant university sweaters that I can wear without pants
- Never start off a sentence with “no offence”. If you feel the need to do so you should probably re-evaluate what you’re about to say.
- Keep a sweater in your car. Weather is a funny thing.
- “I’d kill myself” is not an appropriate way of saying “that would suck”. There are people who could be contemplating this very thought. Smarten up.
- Go to bed earlier. Your body and mind will thank you later.
- Stop putting off the inevitable clean up of your room and the organization of your closet. It has to be done stop being lazy.
- Voltaire makes a valid point but don’t let the perfect be the enemy of the good.
- People really don’t notice your mistakes as much as you think they do. Don’t worry so much.
- Wear a watch. I mean it, it’s a much classier and more respectful way of checking the time compared to the classic cellphone check.
- That reminds me, don’t rely on your cellphone. Always have it just in case but make silent your new best friend.
- Spend more time with your grandparents. Their days may be numbered (sorry for being so morbid).
- Have your cake and eat it too, in the most literal meaning of the sense. No regrets. You’re allowed to eat horribly once in a while.
- Write more lists, they really do help to wrap your brain around priorities and such. Seriously.
10 things that are making me terribly happy as of late
- finally getting back into the habit of reading all day (the fault in our stars was truly beyond wonderful by the way)
- late night adventures involving bonfires in our own corner of the world
- meeting strangers that evolve into friends
- singing, dancing and laughing even more so than usual
- treating myself to a beautiful new watch
- eating amazing food in the presence of amazing company
- gifts given by loved ones making even your smallest achievements seem substantial
- the latter providing me with a macbook
- booking flights and train tickets/travel anticipation
- jean everything, jackets, shirts, pants, shorts, you name it
10 things that are making me terribly happy as of late
- soaking up the summer sun
- the latter allowing us to barbecue and eat outside
- swinging on swing sets
- quality time with my dog cosmo
- shopping for household items (i’ve developed a strange obsession for kitchen appliances) for my new apartment
- visiting the zoo with my tiny little cousins and watching their awe-struck stares
- not having a care in the world
- playing photographer for all of the wonderful events to come
- watching my memory jar fill up rapidly
- shopping for new summer items to add to my closet